Andre makes me Internet swoon!

darcibastiaan:

To the most prominent and honorable of my mistresses, Doña Mary:

Yesterday, as I came back to my hacienda after riding my horse and rounding up cattle, I received this tweet from you:

@darcibastiaan WHY YOU NO LOVE ME NO MORE?

—Verified Floozy (@SaucyDame) April 18, 2012

I was shocked, shocked, that I would get this from you. “Wha - What could I have possibly done for her to tweet that?”, I thought. Had Pedro not galloped for six straight days to get to Los Angeles in order to give you the flowers and presents I have personally selected (yes, I could’ve bought him a plane ticket, but he needed the exercise). Had Esteban not called your assistant to say. “Tell Mary that Don Andrés says that he sent me to call you so that you can call her and tell her that he says, “I just called to say I love, etc.”? Had my nemesis, Rodrigo, been spreading lies again all over the Internet? Maybe — he didn’t earn the name “The Troll of the Sierra Madre” for nothing.

Whatever the reason, I had to gallop back to mis establos at once, and rectify this situation. And so I dimmed the lights, placed my statue of the Virgin of Guadalupe on one side of my laptop, a candle on the other, and placed down my sombrero. I took a seat on my big leather chair, took a deep breath, and then turned my head around because I needed Esteban here immediately.

“Esteban! … Esteban! Pull up a chair and type this for me, por favor.” I said.

Mary, I still love you. And unless you stop loving me, I will not stop loving you. I’m sending Pedro again to L.A. with a shirt that I have worn for the last three days, and some other things that you will find very much to your liking.

Well, that tubby servant of mine is back on his horse riding to Los Angeles. He will be there next week.